Day Four

That's that look I was looking for
Sugar sugar give me some more


The hardest part of abstinence is facing forever and ever.  Though can we ever believe that the learned behaviors of addictions ever dissolve from the conscious?  The abuse potential for a recovering addict never unwoven from the bodies fabric.  The same question always remains,  will I ever believe that never means never?

Today on my road to recovery, my will broke down.  I had driven my self into the ground, by resisting my sudden withdrawals.  Chemically I was imbalanced, and while burning for a cure,  my stimulus couldn't divorce the sensation.  I should have know better... but I couldn't bite my nails any long in the angst of anticipation.

My fuses blew shortly after I clocked out of work.  I was in the eye of Chicago at around six thirty, feeling quite dirty, and I wanted a drink, with my friend Alejandro.  We decided to hit up seven eleven buy a six pack, and sip them by the river.  I should have know better, when we got to the checkout line...I couldn't keep my eyes of the giant wall of nicotine, perfectly set in the back drop of the cashier. 

"Ahhhh, stand your ground, Ahhhh, stand your ground, Ahhhh, stand your ground," echoed through my mind.  What would grandma Mary do? It was too much to resist.  Have you ever had the pleasure of dropping a  bowling ball square on your big toe?   

Anyways, I ended up buying a black and mild, bringing my nicotine streak to a bitter end.  Foolishly, I had lost once again, surrendering to the delicious taste of tar.  I smoked the 'black' in shameful resent, feeling like a powerless child. 

After I finished smoking, my head was hinged on the floor.  I made it so far, how could let it go that easily?  I hate feeling trapped in the cross hairs of compulsion, but I guess I have to keep evaluating myself.  Obviously my methods for quitting need to be reformulated, and I got to try something else.

I did some research and I've found some nicotine support groups around Chicago.  I feel like I have to give the group therapy a shot.  What have I got to lose at this point?  Realizing that I might fall again has forced me to find an alternative. 

Mark my words, my relapse is merely a bump in the road, side bender.  I know I'll gain control of the habit.  Discipline, and I am willing to accept that I will trust myself again.  I just have to get up, wipe off the dirt and dust, and continue to take it one day at a time.  Today wasn't my day, but hopefully tomorrow will be.